Love Truisms and Contradictions

 

I get confused about what kind of dating advice to follow. It seems like everyone has a strong opinion about how to find love or as it may be, how love finds you.

I’m single and lately I’ve been wondering if love is guaranteed for everyone.  If so, does it come by way of devoted method (Match, Speed Dating, Singles outings)? By chance, regardless of method? Or is it like my mother says przeznaczenie – destined, marked.

Am I cynic or romantic if I say: chance?

In January when I told my hairdresser that making a rotisserie chicken was on my list of goals for the year, she paused and said, “I knew there was a reason you were single.”

“Because I haven’t roasted a chicken?” I laughed so hard I gave myself a temple headache.

“Yes! Girl, you gotta come over my house. I’ll show you how to do it. Shit. No wonder.”

“You think I’m single because I’ve never roasted a chicken?”

“Yes!! You gotta give a man something to bite into. He needs a drumstick. I’m telling you. You gotta Google that shit. It was on Oprah. It’s called Engagement Chicken or something like that. Seriously. Google, Oprah Engagement Chicken and you’ll find it. Man needs to bite into something.” She gnashed her teeth and mimicked eating a chicken leg.

If only it were that easy:  Rotisserie Chicken as enchanter.

Is this the secret?

I’m sure there are thousands who have been wooed through the stomach, but kitchen magic is not my strong suit. I can cook, just not in a love spell kind of way. Although let the record state, I have cooked with lavender.

People mean to be encouraging. But I find that when someone speaks with certainty on a method, (if one believes love is found through a method) it’s because it worked for them.  Therefore it is the way love happens. Not everyone takes this stance. So we’ll just call them “some people.”

Other people have learned from bad experiences and come crawling back from the field with warnings and tales to tell. They give me glimpses that sometimes love is not unlike a medieval world in simplicity and torture. We can also call these people “some people.”

Then there are: single people, serial daters, high school sweethearts, thrice remarried folks, long haulers, players, second chancers, life partners, one time yes’ers, serial monogamists, soul mates, companions, special arrangement people, sell-outs, the Montagues and the Capulets , the happily married, chance encounter miracle receivers, this-is-what-you-do-now-people, I fell out of love with you shruggers, weekend fling types, meant to be types, there’s a reason you’re single caution blinkers,  heartbreakers, the  heartbrokens, misery marriages, love at first sight prophets, slow cookers, radio holding John Cusacks, The Live to Tells, My parents (married 46 years), and those on the catch and release program. That’s more points of view than a fly has eyes.

sometimes you have to be Lloyd Dobler fearless

Maybe if I compounded all these opinions and insights I could have a 365 degree view on love. Maybe by considering all angles, I can come to know this elusive beast. [Insert Unicorn joke here.] But that’s the thing, to understand its many facets doesn’t mean I can find a way to get it. I can’t will it. That’s too much logic for something that appears at random, in my opinion. Love and marriage can turn out so many different ways. My mother once equated it to Roulette.  I didn’t ask her if she meant Russian.

 

Best to avoid the Don Draper types. That furrowed brow means trouble.

My favorite truisms that are contradictions.

 

1)  You’ll find someone when you’re not looking

2)  You need to put yourself out there

Which is it?

1)  There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea

2)  It’s hard to meet a good guy

 

1)  Guys can be shy, make the first move

2)  Guys like the chase, let him make the first move

 

1)  Do the things you love and you will find him

2)  Take a plumbing or mechanics class

Also known as:

1)  Be Yourself

2)  Try something different

3)  Live in England

 

1)      Show your interest

2)      Feign disinterest

 

1)   Be Open

2)   Protect Yourself

 

1)      Don’t settle

2)      Nobody’s perfect

 

1)      I knew he was the one. I just knew.

2)       It took me a while to know. It takes time to know someone.

 

1) You have to have a spark.

2) Sometimes the spark comes later.

Also known as: Don’t kid yourself, either way.

 

I have mulled these truisms over. My truism is this: It’s a mystery what brings two people together.  I think it comes down to luck.

Kurt and Goldie? Cute! Please tell me they're still together.

Maybe you’ve had this experience too? This advice. These contradictions. So many possibilities! No one certainty? There have been days, when I’m bummed that I’m single, longing for a soul mate who may or may not exist.  Self-love is hard won in the face of rejection and don’t I know it.  On the flip side, I have felt excited and grateful for the freedoms of being single– traveling the world, experiencing variety and having a chance to grow and live out my dreams where the only compromise or hindrance of reaching a goal is negotiating with myself. Self-love comes into play here too. Seems like that’s one kind of love you can make appear. The other one’s a mystery.

17 comments on “Love Truisms and Contradictions

  1. Laura Miner says:

    Yep, yep, and yep.

  2. ilona says:

    Ha! Love that wholly unappetizing chicken leg image…clearly not the secret. Now gorgeous sushi…on the other hand…might be the key to *my* heart.

  3. Pam says:

    I so needed this today. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what I should be/should not be doing to find love and whether it matters anyway. I’m going to wait for Lloyd Dobler. :)

  4. Jannett Matusiak says:

    Thanks Pam. So glad this was a good boost. I’ve spent time trying to figure it out too…and it really is a mystery. Best that we all enjoy life at full throttle and wonder about it, but not wait for it. :-)

  5. Adam Matusiak says:

    Being an engineer let me offer my perspective: chicken + fish = love everlasting. The chicken doesn’t know about the fish and vice versa they spend their life figuring it out.

  6. Denise says:

    Love your lists of different kinds of people and contradictions both made me laugh out loud. I total get both sides. I personally don’t think chicken is the way to go, but hey that’s just me— give me a tofurkey any day. (just kidding).

    One thing I DO know for sure you are a LOVER. A lover of life, mystery, adventure, friends, letter writing, finding the perfect gift, the perfect word, the finer things and the simple things…and I could go on and on.

  7. Anne says:

    BEAUTIFUL: Then there are: single people, serial daters, high school sweethearts, thrice remarried folks, long haulers, players, second chancers, life partners, one time yes’ers, serial monogamists, soul mates, companions, special arrangement people, sell-outs, the Montagues and the Capulets , the happily married, chance encounter miracle receivers, this-is-what-you-do-now-people, I fell out of love with you shruggers, weekend fling types, meant to be types, there’s a reason you’re single caution blinkers, heartbreakers, the heartbrokens, misery marriages, love at first sight prophets, slow cookers, radio holding John Cusacks, The Live to Tells, My parents (married 46 years), and those on the catch and release program. That’s more points of view than a fly has eyes.

  8. Wendy E says:

    Jannett, this is great. Sums it up. My road to love seemed pretty long and twisted. Now that I am ‘there’ (?)..I think its still long and twisted. My ONLY advice is -Don’t think that you know what you are looking for.

    • Jannett Matusiak says:

      Glad you enjoyed it Wendy! I enjoyed your comparison of the road being long and twisted before and during, proving love is a journey not a destination. Thanks for your comments.

  9. Margaret says:

    Just now reading this excellent post. So true! Some of the greatest wisdom and most types of advice speak in contradictions. Chance. Mystery, indeed!

  10. Aslihan says:

    Which advice one should follow depends on where you are, I think. I figured from experience: in Germany (northern Europe) you show interest & take the first step; in southern countries (more macho-ness around) feign disinterest :)
    But it all boils down to luck, I agree, and I am afraid to admit that I never won anything in a raffle/lottery in my life so far! We’ll see…
    (Great writing Jannett!)
    Ciaoo!

  11. Jannett Matusiak says:

    Aslihan so great to hear from you! Thanks for your comment. I hadn’t even considered location having its own cultural factor. They also have their own truisms. So many factors to consider. It’s complicated being human. Maybe it’s easier to win the a raffle. :-) Hope you’re doing great!

  12. Pat Karabinus says:

    so many possibles. Which will it be? Just be open to everything.

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